YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Eight years ago I would bet a million dollars on the fact that I would never ever in my life travel solo. I tried to the utmost of my ability to imagine it but this travel dream was mere a nightmare. I was in a relationship back then and we traveled when time and money allowed it. So the idea of traveling alone was not something I could fathom, nor was the idea that I could change my perspective some day.
A friend of mine was on a solo travel to Australia and I was applauding her for her courageous endeavour. She didn’t think anything of it, she made it sound so effortless when she explained that there was nothing to fear. My conclusion was; She says this to everybody, this is her POV. She doesn’t know me and how I work so ofcourse she would say that it’s easy. But, we’re not the same, this is not applicable to me.
ONE DAY DATE
In 2016 I was (and still am) an entrepreneur, I was in charge of my own schedule so ofcourse this was very flexible. My income wasn’t too shabby and this allowed all the traveling. But my friends were often in a different situation and this put me in a conundrum.. To only travel when my friends would have time and money to accompany me or to go yolo solo. The urge was strong but solo was definitely a mountain to high. Inspired by Sex and the City, I decided to have a date with myself and go to a museum. It was the first step to see how I would feel being on my own and doing something that, according to my brain, people usually do together. Because what would people think? And will they look funny at me for wandering alone in the museum? I had no actual solo experiences so far, so I didn’t know. It was only my thoughts and fears about doing something alone. I had to collect data to form a more fact based opinion, so not one that was solely based on emotion and fear. Maybe this date would verify my fears and emotions, but at least I would have data to close this investigation and live a life ruled by my friends’ schedules.
Taking my time and seeing all the beautiful art at my own pace was definitely an energy booster. I could stare at a painting as long as I wanted, and just because I could, I did. It made space in my creative brain to focus on finding things in a painting I otherwise would never see. I made it into a game and I had fun with myself doing that. I didn’t mind that it was busy because I had nowhere else to go. The fact that there was nobody nagging me out of boredom for taking my sweet time was definitely a bonus. And seeing it from the other POV, I wasn’t aggravating anybody for having a sensory overload for trying to communicate anything in a loud and crowded space.
WEEKEND TRIP
IN 2017 I wanted to see an exhibition of a painter and this was in Malaga. I decided that this would be my second adventure. My purpose was this exhibition so I pretended that I was on a business trip because that would make me feel less weird for traveling alone. I took a flight and a two night stay in a hotel. A thing that I can still remember was the feel and smell of warm air and sensing something like this was definitely a new experience to me. Being alone gave me time to be more perceptive to things I would otherwise not even notice.
I took a bus to the hotel and getting off at the right stop gave me anxiety, because all the wrong stops would bring me to Mars with no return ticket, at least that was how it felt. Also talking to people was a big HSP no-no, not only because my Spanish was worse than my Polish but just because it involves talking…to people..
After calming my nervoussystem -from the public transportation adventure- in the hotel, I explored the neighbourhood. My energy was recharged and I was ready to handle more new experiences. I took a stroll and enjoyed the architecture, a donut and a cheap coffee; I was happy. Having this midday energy, I had enough to splurge on a dinner adventure in the evening. I needed a restaurant mission to take a way the uncomfortable feeling of wandering the streets alone at night without a purpose. So I found one on Google with nice reviews.
When I approached the restaurant it looked super busy and loud with people being all social and having a good time. It overwhelmed me, because I imagined myself walking in alone, and everybody would stare and think that I would be sad and lonely for being alone and that thought made me uncomfortable. I kept on walking all the way to the supermarket, bought food and did a picknick on my bed at the hotel. This was familiar and comfy, and eventhough I was a bit disappointment in myself, this was fine.
It’s funny that I maybe seem so aware of how I conduct myself but I really wasn’t back then. I just remember things and connect the dots with the knowledge I have now. Luckily this makes me excited for my upcoming travels where I can really implement my new found knowledge on the go. Maybe I’ll get super extra frustrated when I do get overwhelmed, like I shouldn’t have; now that I’m HSP smarter..But it’s still just a personality trait and not one that I can fix.
THE BUCKETLIST ADVENTURE
IN 2018 I Googled; ‘what’s the best warm country for a solo traveling woman.’ Thailand ranked high and it piqued my interest, because the white tempel in Chang Rai was on my ‘see-before-I-die’ bucket list.
You know, with this trip, I can’t even think of something that felt horrible, where I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t function normally anymore. It was a pretty smooth ride but nonetheless super interesting. So public transportation for once, was excellently arranged. And eventhough it’s not luxurious by all means, read; cramped up for 6 hours on a min van, I didn’t have to think about a time schedule and being late to catch a bus, or trying to find a bus station.
The only scary part was finding my first pick-up location. But Google maps guided me perfectly. A bit of anxiety when you’re at the right spot but there is nobody else in sight. Or in another situation; being too scared to ask other people that are waiting if you’re at the right spot. Being me, I just waited to find out, knowing that probably eventually I have to deal with the anxiety that I’m at the wrong location. Because asking people is way more scary. The Thai bus organisation guides people from bus to bus like a flock of sheep. And instead of a graffiti mark, we get a sticker to wear with our end destination. So for HSP’s not having to deal with transfers and seeing who is going to the same destination without having to ask, is very nice on the nervous system.
The overal vibe of Thailand is casual, so dinner wasn’t a big deal, food all day every day vibe, which I love.
I went on some excursions and took some workshops to do something different than wandering by foot. I didn’t have my license and I didn’t know how to drive a scooter and learning this skill would have been a way too anxious endeavour.
The workshops gave me an opportunity to meet new people and because you spend some hours together with something to do, there is no pressure and a more organic way of getting to know each other. People were curious why I was by myself and it gave me time to explain and talk about it in a natural setting. I did a cooking workshop and they invited me for drinks after. But, I was socially charged enough, or drained..I don’t know.. I thanked and passed and they were surprise that I wanted to be by myself after having a very fun time together.
But in the end, these people still don’t know me, and that I need to recharge. That I like being on my own, that I don’t drink and that ‘going for drinks’ is a social experience that I can get overwhelmed. I don’t feel the need to get to know people all the time, because having too many friends is stressing me out.
Sometimes it made me sad that I didn’t have somebody there to share the experience with. And if I would have a travel partner I know I would have done more. Because sometimes you just need somebody to take your hand when your scared and dance in the tropical rain together. I didn’t want anybody to call the mental hospital on me so I stayed safely inside. Because tell me honest, when somebody does something out of the ordinary alone we think it’s weird, but if more people are doing it, it must be a thing. So not doing every silly thing I wanted is just something that I needed to accept.
I can push myself, but I can also accept myself and enjoy what I can do as an HSP and eliminate even more situations of being overwhelmed. Because it’s inevitable that I will have these already.
Focussing on staying true to myself gives me more small wins, which build momentum to get to the bigger goals. Pushing myself into side quests take away energy and motivation from the bigger goal.
If I imagine standing on top of that big goal mountain, it gives me fear of heights. I get dizzy and anxiety and a major feeling of being overwhelmed. But then I have to quickly realize that I don’t have to be on that mountain right now. And that I trust myself that one day I will. It brings back be down to earth and back into the now and the excitement of my next step. With all the tools and knowledge I have gathered so far, it’ll be a lot less of a rocky road.
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